always tired

Hello all--

Had a Literary Arts Magazine meeting. We now have a name. :) We also have a due date for submissions (late February).

Had a meeting with the director this afternoon. It actually went well, and I'm sorry that I have been so cranky with him. He spoke with me for an hour and a half about his experiences and gave me advice, including advice on the musical, of which I thought he might be crabby about since we had the impression that he wanted to direct it. It's too bad he's already doing another musical; I think this is my chance to shine, though I do hope that the director returns next year. I spoke with him at length, and while he does have a big ol' ego, he has a reason for it. His life has been drama, and he has given so much to that community. The play really was great, especially with the budget we had, and he hopes to work with the district to increase support of the drama program. Who am I to get in the way of a veteran who has a lot of passion and wants the program to get better?

I also had my second observation today. Like the other, it was okay. I think it was a bit improved--bumpy, but as the principal said, "What lesson isn't bumpy?" He said he thought it went well, and we have our post-obs on Wednesday during my prep. I know there are a lot of things I could have done to improve on the lesson--some of which I am testing in my lesson tomorrow, so I can tell him about it--but really, I just want feedback on how I can get better. Honestly, I get that this is a big "test" to see if I am qualified to continue teaching next year (I'm interested, but that doesn't always mean I fit in with the district's expectations of what a good teacher is), but sometimes I just want to say--Just tell me what I can do to get better! I'm so tired all of the time that it hurts sometimes to think. I wish I could reflect on teaching as much as I did while I was student teaching, but I barely have time to spend with K., which makes me really sad. (And honestly, today, I spent a little time wallowing in that sadness--he has been so patient with me this year, and our house is gross in how things have built up and he wants to go out to dinner to celebrate my 2nd observation--or maybe he doesn't want to cook--but I am telling him that by the time he gets home, I would just as likely be in bed...)

This job is certainly hard, no doubt about that. Sucker, I might be. I won't get a season off, involvement-wise. Some teachers just coach one season. I am doing play, one act, and musical. I am doing drama club and literary arts magazine. I am teaching two classes I have never taught before, and I am delving into team teaching--both hours of which are starkly contrasted.
I was telling R. today after school--how good we could be, really, if only we had the time to be. Sometimes I feel like all we have is tme to be a little better than mediocre, which sounds horrible. But there are so many demands on us... so many expectations. Especially in this district, and I think some of those (most of those, all of those) expectations are great. But sometimes I wonder how I get through the day! Sometimes I wonder if we are all secretly superhuman? Maybe only superhumans go to school to be educators. Who knows?

Oh, and the weekend that just ended? I thought I would stay home and relax... stay in bed, read a trashy book, take a bubble bath, vacuum and do laundry and scrub the bathtub... sort through the stacks of mail I haven't even glanced at... (can we outlaw junk mail? please?) But nope. Got a call on Saturday late afternoon and it turns out I was supposed to work at the bookstore all weekend. Whoops! So I scampered on in--closed on Saturday and more or less opened on Sunday. Was tired. The bookstore during the holidays. I felt bored and cranky, but it was a nice change of pace, and I suppose if I was going to lay around, I may as well just stock books instead and make a few bucks. Plus, we have our extra discount days this week, so I was able to pick up a few books I had wanted for a while... K. is going to get this boxed set of nerdy computer books. Lots of acronyms and numbers in the title, but he's going to save $70 off the set, so it's worth it.

But this upcoming weekend is K.'s last day on his job down south. Kind of funny how we bought this house to be halfway? Now he's working in the city--we could carpool, though it would still add half an hour to the driver (probably K.) and we work different hours (he's got that whole normal schedule thing going on). Nonetheless, halfway between his new job and my job would put as at like a fifteen minute or so drive for each maybe? Not that I would want to live halfway. I've had enough of suburbia. Anyway, this weekend we're sleeping over at L. and A's house, and I fully intend to try to not talk about school (though I apologize--it's almost unavoidable). We're supposed to go to one of our old favorite bars; I feel old--I think I'll fall asleep in my drink by ten o'clock.

Anyway, love to all--it's only Monday and I feel like I've been through the wringer! :)