bound & determined

Today the department chair came in to ask me how bound and determined I am to attend graduate school next year.

Funny he should ask, because I don't know.

Because lately I've been thinking about how I don't actually mind teaching here, and how I might hate leaving because I've enjoyed this school and enjoyed my job here. And not once gone home and thought, WHY?! amIdoingthis?!

Because maybe I am writing just as much as I might in graduate school, maybe I have figured out a routine. Maybe I'll get an MFA later, or maybe even do it from a low-residency program instead.

A year ago I had anxiety about leaving Old High School--even though I wanted to go, I was not brave enough to do it. Now I've been brave enough to apply to most of my graduate schools (do I stop now? I have maybe five left on my list, but would I really leave Husband and Minnesota? Seriously? Is it worth the extra money and time any more?).

So this is how my head feels: there is a table tennis ball, jittering around in my head, and it has to be rubber because it hurts when it smacks against the sides. Graduate school - Teaching - Maybe neither will be any option anyway - bang!

I have this tendency to fling myself into hope, to open my arms wide and shout out to the world, bare skinned, Yes, yes, this is exactly what I want! And I have the propensity to collapse into sobs just as soon as it doesn't work out exactly as I had expected it to--marrying my husband, buying the house we had, those were lucky things, because my hopes were flying so high--but then losing my job to budget cuts, rejection slips from lit mags, those are hard for me. The word no is hard for me.

Oh, and in the resolution department: I'm already up two books and down four pounds. At this rate, I'll be running circles around that list, but I always fail (I am awfully good at losing six pounds and gaining back double that--if there were a talent competition, I might enter in that category, or sleeping, I'm not sure which). I'm hoping, by making little public announcements, that I'll be shamed into not failing. Maybe?

It's funny. The other day I thought about how this blog has "theteacher" in it, but I hadn't been writing about teaching so much lately. It's not that I'm less of a teacher, but maybe the novelty of it has settled; I thought, maybe, it was time to blog about it again.

And, of course, the world then gives me two topics in one day. The second:

This morning's ping ponging was temporarily distracted by the evacuation of the school in the midst of 4th hour. Ah yes, the day I decide to give a test in each one of my five classes, the day I brought my thick book, ready to catch those cheaters (or at least shame them with a pointed look) from behind John Irving.

Instead, we spent an hour in the arena, our feet numbing. I suggested the hockey team perform ice dancing for the entertainment of the student body (and the frustrated staff--"No, really, you cannot go to your car; I don't care if you have to go to work--you won't get fired, I promise, but maybe, if I'm lucky, they'll fire me"), but it was not to be.

Apparently, a message was left on the school's voice mail, maybe some drunk one a.m. phone call, but they treated it seriously, and I was surprised (but pleased) at how many students were annoyed; perhaps this was mostly because there were three in a row last year. Another dog in the school, which always makes me want to go home and nuzzle my little bundles of muscled furry energy, then everything as usual, tests handed out at the door, promises that completion will occur on Monday. We will pick up, trudge on, winnow our way back into what is left, because nothing was really taken anyway.

And I am grateful for that.

In 2008, I will...

Become a better companion:
- send birthday care packages and cards on time
- surprise Husband with little sentiments of love
- be there for Kelly when her baby comes, find ways to make their lives easier as they settle into parenthood
- travel with some of my favorite girl friends
- have at least one significant trip with husband
- random acts of kindness, reminding those I love that I do, indeed, love them very much

Become a better writer:
- continue my morning poems, my poem a day
- get five acceptance letters
- read at least one book of poetry a week
- attend a summer writing program
- get accepted into an MFA program
- blog regularly, this lovely daily writing practice
- read over 100 books, which shouldn't be so difficult

Become a better patron & participant of the arts:
- attend courses on bookmaking and letterpress
- art every day in January
- develop my eye for photography and continue with the daily picture(s)
- attend more arts events, including the Guthrie, the symphony, and museums

Become a better homeowner:
- when I go to bed at night, the dishes will be done, the clutter will be put away
- each season, make a goal, a project, and do it
- keep a more successful vegetable garden this summer
- cultivate flowers around the house this summer
- make a 13th payment on the mortgage
- clean out basement and attic

Become a financial ballerina:
- (or maybe just less of an embarrassment to Husband)
- make sure there is no debt, dangit
- start investment plan for retirement and whatnot

Become healthier:
- weigh less at the end of 2008 than at the beginning
- weigh less at the end of each month than at the beginning
- re-join the YMCA and work out four days a week
- drink more water
- eat fruits and vegetables more
- drink when the occasion calls for it--as in, a toast or celebration, but not in excess and not because I'm home and I feel like a beer

Complete my Master's degree in Education
- by spring or summer semester's end


And a few things about today:
- Currently reading: Cider House Rules. I needed something that felt very New England. I wanted something that made me want to make lobster bisque, or think of incredibly tall, snow covered trees or old, two story homes. I wanted something that made me think of the ocean and water worn wood.
- Currently teaching: Frankenstein. We're finishing the film in class today--some very gross bits, particularly when Elizabeth's burned corpse is re-animated. The pyrotechnics are quite interesting.
- Currently perusing this blog: sweet salty
- Currently lingering on my mind: Benazir Bhutto's passing
- Currently finishing: The Sopranos--Netflix delivered the last disc today

opening weekend

Some thoughts, some observations:



- I love the way the dust motes catch in the orb of the spotlight. Glittering, moths suspended, slowing moving through dim light.
- The curse of the second night occurred, but nothing horrifying. A song fumbled, a mic trailing, a few sour notes, and ad lib to make up for many awkward moments.


- More laughter on the second night. No standing ovation, but the crowds were small and the musical is unknown. My co-director, angry and desperate to make our goal amount, to bring in stronger audiences. A phone book paged through at intermission, a list of places the students will have to drop posters off at, and a plan for staff to wear costumes to promote next weekend, hoping the sweat will dry and Febreeze can cover up odors.


- Anger is dealt with in such an array of ways... pens and doors can be flung, anger can simmer and explode at frightening moments, we can shout, briefly, at the top of our lungs, our hearts can feel bursting. We can let each other know the disappointment we inspire, or we can keep quiet and hope it will dissipate.


- My favorites are the moments of imperfection, of new humor--the balloon barbell that bends as air leaks out, our most troublesome prop; the prince whacking his head on the wrought iron detail, crying out "Ouch!", still completely in character, and his funny laughed out, "Sorry," to the queen who is our ad libbing champion; the new items pulled from the mattress each night, a surprise for both the audience and the cast, my suggestion at pulling out the mascot's head at the next performance, and the other clever items of tricycle, circus spool, watermelon.

(click on this top one to enlarge--interesting detail)

And the relaxing parts:
- Trees are catching up with the ground: there are buds unfurling in the early morning light, trees in blossom and leaves brightening the landscape.
- Yesterday: a long walk with two dogs, leashes often tangled, Zephyr frequently bobbing around behind me, getting me tangled, and an attempt at downtown twice, but the crowds were too much.


- This afternoon: seed packets, small soil disks, and a plot for the garden. Thatching the dog spots in the yard, reseeding, pulling up dandelion patches and hoping crabgrass will not take over again. Concern about our yard, for the sake of the wedding, and for the guests that will have one chance to see our house as they may not return for another visit.
- Being able to curl up with K at night, the comfort of our bed drawing us into the folds of one another. Knowing I can sleep in the next morning.


- The dogs not allowing that to happen. Naps after. The dogs reminding us that if we do want children in the near future, we must be prepared to sacrifice many things, precious sleep included. They have a routine now, Zephyr anyway, and not long after five o'clock, the sun begins to come out, and this is when he is used to his first morning marking. We take turns sending them out, playing with them, falling back to sleep on sofa, in bed. The dogs, angry at the neglect on Friday, thrilled at the new attention to make up for it on Saturday and Sunday.
- K's Sunday phone call from home always brings new stories, laughter, a strong bond at home. My own family works so much differently. I admire both and hope all the good bits come out in the family we are making.
- The sound of jazzy guitar coming from the stereo, the windows wide open, our own dust motes swirling, fresh air.