Tuesday, January 30, 2007

thank you for your time

Got an email today, very perfunctory, in regards to the literary arts magazine. It is on the chopping block (in fact, I was told that it is gone) for next year. But thanks for all my hard work.

And I was called a secretary by the director of the One Act play for the work I've done for him this year (in an email to someone else he CC'ed me on).

Makes a gal feel appreciated.

Anyway, I let the Activities Director know that I would be interested in still working on the lit mag even if I was paid as a club advisor (which would be an insanely huge pay decrease--I would get less than 10% of what I'm making now to advise it). Of course, the likelihood of me being back next year is slim, and I'm beginning to be OK with that more and more (for obvious reasons). This is probably stupid to have offered, but I really like those kids and obviously, as a writer myself who has begun sending stuff out again, the lit mag has a special place in my heart. But I won't be back, so it was a kind of hollow offer. (I am not always so pessimistic.)

I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

K asked me if I really wanted to stay next year if class sizes are going to jump to average out at 38 and I would be paid less to do exactly the same (go to .8 with the same number of essays to grade, the same number of kids to get to behave themselves).

And when I found out about the cuts, I said yes, of course, I'll stay. It's a job, it's a good job, and I like it. It's my classroom, it's my choice, etc.

But now.

I just feel so disappointed and let down by this district and so many people in it. I could list all the wrongs and injustices, but there's that nagging fear that my complaints would be discovered and they could let me go for that too. I hate to say something so tired and overused (though this is how I feel most of all--tired and overused), but I have such a heavy heart. I feel like I might if I discovered K betrayed me... well, maybe not that awful (since he's supposed to be my partner and all), but I do feel betrayed and, well, sad. I can actually feel my heart as if it were a stone suspended at the top of my rib cage.

So now. Part of me is thinking the only reason why I haven't just gone in and said, "It's fine. You can cut me," is that I'm curious if I am going to be one of the group to stay or one of the group to go... how big will the group be, etc.

And is it me in this district at this school, or are all teachers so grossly underappreciated?

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