Monday, April 14, 2008

rest

This early spring, I cannot seem to turn over my internal clock, break the cycle of napping and staying up late in the evening. I have been lazy lately--reading on the sofa, distractedly patting the wriggling dogs, and falling asleep in the afternoons brings me this delicious pleasure that isn't quite the same as the dread (new morning, new day, new plodding through lessons and grading, ultimately that routine that needs a break) at night.

I have officially made the decision to not return next year at the high school, even at part time. I know some of my more financially worrisome loved ones squirm at the idea of this disconnect, especially when the security of teaching high school also comes with a retirement plan, but my advisers have recommended against other stresses (full time studenting, half time TAing). So with Ryan's suggestion, I am taking the first semester as it is served: what they recommend with no adornments. I have to prevent myself from browsing external class offerings--an intro to bio class, a lit theory course, an exploration of art. I've always been one to overdo: several semesters I requested permission to push beyond the twenty credit limit (and it was granted, and I think, if not an exact 4.0 those semesters, I know I landed on the dean's list each time, driven more and more). My first full semester of the M.Ed program, I added two classes to the standard schedule and audited two others. It's difficult for me to put a barrier up when learning opportunities, particularly fully funded ones, present themselves.

But this MFA is that dream coming to fruition, and I must honor that. I have learned, in the years of teaching, how to find pockets of time, to revise reading lists and to visit the library on those warm afternoons, to fill my desk with education that isn't entirely formal, doesn't require a classroom. I will take long walks and read good books. I will be inspired. I will allow myself to be open to possibility.

1 comment:

ck said...

good idea. living fully in the now. words will flow, and other things too will open up for you next year. Things like frustration, pride, hunger, yearning, needing to work on THAT THING, sleeplessness, sleepiness, eating without hunger for the procrastination of it, etc. (At least they did for me). I look forward to hearing about your journey!