Wednesday, February 06, 2008

dreams of longing

This, I knew: my best friend is having a boy. There he is, up above, stubborn and misbehaving as his father. She wanted a girl, but I know she'll love this one just as much as anything else that would slide out. Ha, slide. As if. And she's told me that I can be there for the birth. :)


I've had three dreams in two nights that have involved some kind of longing.

1. I dreamed that I was visiting my grandmother with my family--both parents, my sister. My husband might have been there, but it was really mostly about me, my father, and my grandmother, who I think have a special bond in waking life too. We were sitting at a kitchen table, or maybe it was a slim den, and my grandfather was there, speaking to us. I could hear his voice, such a distinct deep bass, and I don't remember what we talked about, but I know that he got up, maybe to get a cup of tea or rummage up some cookies, and then he was gone again. We had his memorial, he was cremated, but he was there, too, and later, I was talking to my father, and he said he was there too, but my grandmother denied it, saying maybe we were confusing him with some strange, long haired old man wandering the neighborhood, claiming to have come all the way from downtown. But my grandfather was in my dream, so vivid. Later in the dream, I was taking a shower, and his shampoo was there, his aftershave (yes, in the shower). I don't know what he smelled like when he was here, but in the dream I did.

2. This is the second night in a row that I've dreamed I was pregnant. Maybe it's the frenzy Kelly's mother and I have been in, planning her baby shower in May. And last night, I dreamed that I went to the doctor (I'm due for that lovely annual lady-checkup and keep forgetting to call the doctor before my health insurance gets even worse, which is the only only thing I miss from Old High School--Emily, love it while you can!) and she took my temperature and immediately said, "Your due date is July 11th." (A month before my wedding anniversary of one year, five days before our dating anniversary of nine years.) I was shocked, said I hadn't even taken a test, that I ought to have known if it were due so soon, and how did she know? She had taken my temperature and because it was slightly high, that's what told her. I love the logic of dreams. I had to figure out how to tell my husband though, who is skittish about these sorts of things, and I was searching the internet for clever ideas (Kelly gave me a framed picture of a bun in the oven), but my students kept coming up to me, needing passes, and my husband there too, hovering, asking to show me something on the internet, and I was trying to be patient, but all I could do was shiver with excitement at what was growing inside of me, and want to brush them all like bottle flies, yell that I needed to tell my husband important news, and they knew that. It was strange, the realness of it, feeling something growing inside of me, perhaps because I was imagining the way Kelly must be feeling now.

3. My husband and I were on vacation together, somewhere with a beach but no crowds, and I had my camera and was taking all sorts of lovely photographs and we were holding hands and there was nothing else we needed to worry about. So good to be away with him. Sigh, sigh.

Something interesting: I've begun marking my pictures of the day with the dates, to see what I was doing exactly one year ago. Two days ago, it was walking the dogs in the snow, then and a year ago.

1 comment:

KeLL said...

Get pregnant soon! Please! oh pretty please!