Monday, August 13, 2007

waking up, gasping

OK, I know I will write a post about the wedding itself, and I well tell you stories of wonder and amazement, of how people made my chin wobble, of who finally made me really cry, of how he looked at me when we said I do, of how wonderful it is to look out at everyone who is there for your wedding, but right now, I have just woken up, on my second full day of marriage, and I had a series of the worst dreams anyone might have, waking up each time, relieved that it was only a dream. I cannot remember most of them at this point, but the last one was the worst, the last breaking my heart (is this normal?).

I dreamed one of those terrible he's-in-love-with-someone-else dreams (I have had them before). And I have to say this: The Husband (lordy, I was waiting to be able to say that one!) is one of the most faithful, loving, kind people I have ever known, and I'm not just saying this because he is the one I am paired up with--I trust him absolutely and completely. I do not believe he would ever cheat on me, and I think that our relationship is solid enough that neither one of us would really ever want to. But I've dreamed it a dozen times over our eight years together, and it's a terrible fear to have, even if it vanishes and the relief is so big, you can feel your breath heave right out of your body, across the bed to where he would be sleeping if he didn't have to work today.

The dream:

We were in some kind of shopping center--his parents were there, I remember, as were my sister (Chelsea), Angie, and Kelly. We were in a fancier establishment, with a bar in the middle (serving coffee?) and sofas covered in gray-beige slipcovers with blond wood tables in front, signs stating that you needed to buy a drink in order to sit. There was a jazz band playing, and we were there for the music, I believe. There was another girl with us; I don't remember what she looked like. But she and The Husband were talking to each other, comfortable, examining one of those square CD display towers, heads close. And hugging. And I pulled The Husband by the hand, saying we ought to go, and he protested, saying he wanted to stay, and he and the girl got a table together and were talking. And somehow, I knew that they were together, right in front of me, with my new rings on and everything (this happens especially in these dozen dreams, that we have not yet broken up, but he is with someone else brazenly in front of me). I went to the table with Angie and Chelsea and Kelly, with two bags full of books I had apparently purchased earlier, and I told them I thought The Husband and this girl were together, and they looked at me with pity and confirmed it. Chelsea said he had confessed to loving this girl, and that she loved him back, but he wasn't sure if this girl wanted to get married, and now he wanted to marry her and never really wanted to marry me. Kelly nodded, and I wanted to find him, so I could give him his rings back and tell him he could give me the rings when he knew what he wanted to do. I wanted the girls to say no--that I should keep the rings, because he would come to his senses, but they said nothing. I went to find him, but he was gone, and my mother told me they had left. So I grabbed my bags (and some woman, wearing orange, with short blond hair, about our mothers' age, told me she wanted an amaretto shot, as if I was working there, and I said I wasn't and I didn't care what she wanted, but she just kept talking, so I had to escape her) and most of the rest of the dream was me journeying through, walking, running, through streets, trying to find The Husband and this woman he supposedly loved.

When I woke up, my heart was aching, and I reached out to his side of the bed, so glad that it wasn't true at all. I prefer it when he's actually there, so I can yell at him for what his dream-self did (ha, kidding... mostly), but I was just so glad that it didn't truly happen. What a terrible thing to dream about the Monday after your wedding, just before you leave on a honeymoon.

And I will post about the actual wedding and all of those good things, but I wanted to share, upon waking, this dream with all of you dear folks and tell you how glad I am that it isn't anywhere near truth or the reality of my life. Instead, the opposite, so perfectly and happily in love.

1 comment:

EWH said...

My husband doesn't dream, and I often tell him how lucky he is. Dreams that are so real like that are the absolute worst. I think my dreams about my fears are the ones that come so vividly into my waking life long after they're gone. My repeating dream is of my husband dying. Of course, if he died loving me, that would be better than him leaving me for some skanky CD-looking ho-bag. :-)

Your wedding was beautiful beyond measure and I can't wait to read your post about it; I'm sure it will be as elegant as the day, you poet.

Enjoy Alaska, if I don't talk to you before. Kisses.